And just like that...

.....my world changed.

Remember a few posts ago when I said that I felt a change coming on? Little did I know exactly what that change would be. I lost my mother on August 1st, 2012.

She had been in decline for the past few months, since about the end of May. Lost a lot of weight. Got very frail looking. Would only eat teeny tiny bits and was not getting nearly enough calories. Moved from bed to couch to bathroom and back to bed. Slept on and off most of the day. Stopped doing things she enjoyed, such as Facebook, reading her Kindle, and playing Words with Friends. Basically, she was in the process of dying. Her mental capacities had certainly diminished, and talking to her just wasn't quite the same. She was on a whole slew of drugs, so who knows what that does to your brain and your entire body!

It is an odd thing, watching someone decline before your very eyes. I got to see her every few weeks or so, and talked to her nearly every day in between, and little by little I just knew she was wasting away and preparing to die. But I can honestly say that I was completely shocked on the day she actually did pass away.

August 1st.... Jeremy and I started our day at the hospital with Camden, who got tubes put in his ears. We lugged our whole family to the hospital at 6am, and it was all over with and we were home before 9am. Surgery was successful and Camden was a trooper. About 10am or so, my dad called to check on Camden. I told him all was well. He asked my mom if she wanted to talk to me, and she said no. Dad said she wasn't feeling up to talking.

Two hours later, around Noon, my dad called and said he'd called an ambulance for Mom, because she was really sick and her stomach hurt (more than likely it was her chest, but he told me stomach at the time.) He was going to follow the ambulance to MD Anderson, but then at the last minute decided to ride in the front of the ambulance. Apparently when the EMT guys got there, she was responsive and talking, but on the way to the hospital they lost her. They intubated and resuscitated her, but her pulse was faint and there wasn't any blood pressure.

Once in the ER, they did all the things doctors do, and after some time they determined she'd likely had a pulmonary embolism. She didn't have any brain activity, and the damage was done. My mom was a DNR, so they moved her to the ICU and for the rest of the day they kept her on the ventilator so she could breathe for as long as her heart was beating. At 6:27pm, her heart stopped beating and my mom got to go meet Jesus.

I got to be there with her, and I'm so grateful. Once I got the call about her condition and I understood what it meant, I left my house within 17 minutes (yes, I clocked it) and arrived in Houston in time to be by her side for a bit before she died. I got spend a few minutes alone with her and talked to her. I will treasure that time forever.

I think God was gracious to her and to us by letting her pass away in the manner that she did. It was fairly quick and mostly painless. She didn't have to endure the agony of dying a painful and miserable death from lung cancer. She didn't have to spend her last weeks/months in a hospital bed surrounded by machines and white sheets. And now.....  well, now she has met Jesus face to face and I can't even imagine what awesome thing's she's doing. Tears come to my eyes just typing that, but I am so happy that she is free and whole.

I am grieving. My heart hurts and I am so sad that she is not here. I want to talk to her, and hug her. I want to tell her the funny things my boys are doing, because she loved hearing those stories. I feel LOSS in a way I've never felt it before. I miss her. And yet, I am happy for her. 

I love you, Mom. I will never forget you, and I will most likely think of you every day for the rest of my life. I look forward to seeing you again one day in Heaven. 

Who knew that on August 1st, 2012 I would start my day in one hospital with my son, and end my day in another hospital 4 hours away with the death of my mother. 

Yes, change is here.