MOM

I had a dream about my mom last night.

In the dream, my sisters and mom and I were attending the funeral of a family friend. I don't even remember who the person was, but it wasn't someone that was very close to us. My mom sat right beside me at the funeral, and all of a sudden, it was like she had come back to life, even though she had died. I started crying in the dream because I was remembering HER funeral, and with her sitting there with me, I wanted to know if she had any idea of what her funeral was like, and how we all felt about it. I wanted to tell her all about her funeral, and about how there were so many people there, and how special and honoring it was. I wanted her to know how much she was loved and remembered. But I couldn't tell her, because we were in the middle of the other person's funeral and we had to be quiet. So I just sat there and cried, not being able to tell my mom all that I wanted to. 

WOW. Tears came just typing that. I think there's so much underlying truth to the dream. There IS a lot I want to tell my mom, but can't. I DO want her to know how much she was loved, and how people came out of the woodwork to be at her funeral. I wish she could have seen it (but maybe somehow she did from Heaven? Who knows.) I wish she could have heard the stories and awesome things her friends said to me after the funeral. I wish she could read the letters that I got from some of her friends that blessed me beyond measure.

In the broader sense, I wish she knew how much my sisters and Dad think of her still, and how we're all struggling in our own ways because she's not here anymore. I wish she knew that all of us want to call her and see her and tell her things simply because she's our Mom. Even though she wasn't the same mom in recent years as she had been, she was still MY mom, and there is a gaping hole in her absence. 

When I was at my dad's house last month, I found this picture. I think it was the last one taken of the two of them, and it was on a cruise in February 2012. Don't they look great?? The picture itself is kind of fuzzy, but I think my mom looks absolutely beautiful. Hard to believe that just 6 months later she was gone from the earth. 

The only comfort that I have is knowing that she is now healed and whole. She is not hurting. She is not depressed. She has no physical ailments. She has no insecurities. She has Jesus himself! Glorious thought.

Just another day in the Hansen home...

Pretty normal for us. Aren't all homes like this?

Who says white boys can't dance?

The Hansen boys gettin' their groove on...

My boys

Someday my two boys will stop doing this. I don't want to ever, ever forget how this feels, because it is pure joy. I am one blessed mama.

What's for dinner?

Here's what I'm making tonight. I splurged a little and bought beef tenderloin steaks (for me and my love... kiddos get plain jane food until they can appreciate the good stuff!). So on the menu is beef tenderloin steaks (still raw in the picture) with an Alton Brown recipe for fingerling potatoes with butter and chives, and fruit salad. Oh, and a nice Pinot Noir. It was absolutely delish, if I don't say so myself!

Plus, this is the first time I've ever blogged from my iPhone. How cool is that???

Camden's surgery

With so much "other" stuff going on in the past few weeks, I didn't mention or chronicle our little boy's surgery to get tubes put in his ears.

As previously mentioned, Camden was on antibiotics a dozen times in 2011 and already 5 times in 2012 when we decided to put the tubes in. He's a tough little guy and would rarely complain of the pain, but if he woke up crying in the middle of the night or was especially grumpy or whiny, we always went "uh-oh, must be another ear infection"... and it always was.

The surgeon was someone that Jeremy has worked with in the OR many times before. TOTAL perk of having your husband be an RN in the operating room is that he got to hand pick who he wanted involved!

Here is the surgery in photos:

Big boy waiting for his surgery consultation

Chillaxing at the doctor's office with Daddy's iPhone

Getting his hospital wristband put on. He has his ever-present ducky and a monster truck in hand. Gotta have the important things, right?

Showing off the tiger gown...

He looks like such a little baby in this picture!

Killing time waiting for the surgery. Big brother Westin did great too.

Headed into surgery, being held by the anesthesiologist

Back at home! Successful surgery, tired boys.

Post surgery, poor little sleepy guy.

And just like that...

.....my world changed.

Remember a few posts ago when I said that I felt a change coming on? Little did I know exactly what that change would be. I lost my mother on August 1st, 2012.

She had been in decline for the past few months, since about the end of May. Lost a lot of weight. Got very frail looking. Would only eat teeny tiny bits and was not getting nearly enough calories. Moved from bed to couch to bathroom and back to bed. Slept on and off most of the day. Stopped doing things she enjoyed, such as Facebook, reading her Kindle, and playing Words with Friends. Basically, she was in the process of dying. Her mental capacities had certainly diminished, and talking to her just wasn't quite the same. She was on a whole slew of drugs, so who knows what that does to your brain and your entire body!

It is an odd thing, watching someone decline before your very eyes. I got to see her every few weeks or so, and talked to her nearly every day in between, and little by little I just knew she was wasting away and preparing to die. But I can honestly say that I was completely shocked on the day she actually did pass away.

August 1st.... Jeremy and I started our day at the hospital with Camden, who got tubes put in his ears. We lugged our whole family to the hospital at 6am, and it was all over with and we were home before 9am. Surgery was successful and Camden was a trooper. About 10am or so, my dad called to check on Camden. I told him all was well. He asked my mom if she wanted to talk to me, and she said no. Dad said she wasn't feeling up to talking.

Two hours later, around Noon, my dad called and said he'd called an ambulance for Mom, because she was really sick and her stomach hurt (more than likely it was her chest, but he told me stomach at the time.) He was going to follow the ambulance to MD Anderson, but then at the last minute decided to ride in the front of the ambulance. Apparently when the EMT guys got there, she was responsive and talking, but on the way to the hospital they lost her. They intubated and resuscitated her, but her pulse was faint and there wasn't any blood pressure.

Once in the ER, they did all the things doctors do, and after some time they determined she'd likely had a pulmonary embolism. She didn't have any brain activity, and the damage was done. My mom was a DNR, so they moved her to the ICU and for the rest of the day they kept her on the ventilator so she could breathe for as long as her heart was beating. At 6:27pm, her heart stopped beating and my mom got to go meet Jesus.

I got to be there with her, and I'm so grateful. Once I got the call about her condition and I understood what it meant, I left my house within 17 minutes (yes, I clocked it) and arrived in Houston in time to be by her side for a bit before she died. I got spend a few minutes alone with her and talked to her. I will treasure that time forever.

I think God was gracious to her and to us by letting her pass away in the manner that she did. It was fairly quick and mostly painless. She didn't have to endure the agony of dying a painful and miserable death from lung cancer. She didn't have to spend her last weeks/months in a hospital bed surrounded by machines and white sheets. And now.....  well, now she has met Jesus face to face and I can't even imagine what awesome thing's she's doing. Tears come to my eyes just typing that, but I am so happy that she is free and whole.

I am grieving. My heart hurts and I am so sad that she is not here. I want to talk to her, and hug her. I want to tell her the funny things my boys are doing, because she loved hearing those stories. I feel LOSS in a way I've never felt it before. I miss her. And yet, I am happy for her. 

I love you, Mom. I will never forget you, and I will most likely think of you every day for the rest of my life. I look forward to seeing you again one day in Heaven. 

Who knew that on August 1st, 2012 I would start my day in one hospital with my son, and end my day in another hospital 4 hours away with the death of my mother. 

Yes, change is here.